shZo

3 years...

2011-09-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

A little lost for words today... Here is a nice write up about 'The Verb Life'

http://shizome.com/matt-chesaux-safety-ski-memory/

Check it out if you have a chance...

"Grief is not something to be gotten over; it is simply the evidence of having loved".

2011-05-03T10:49:00.000-07:00

Death has been on my mind lately... it tends to happen every May and September. These two months were always filled with parties and merriment and then swiftly in late 2008 that all change. Suddenly when these two months would appear I would find myself falling down that slide of grief. I am proud to say that I feel that I have come so far, and I dare-say that I might be even a little excited to have a birthday, and come one year closer to finishing the 20's.

On one of the close to my heart widow/er forums, we have been discussing this phrase... 'The world around us visits grief, we have no choice but to live it.'

We are aware that we have this closed(ish) perspective, but I believe it is why it is so hard to help our loved ones see the changes we as widowers must make. How the little things remind us of the endless days and hours that we spent with our spouse/significant other. We live through the pain, because we can't forget. This pain, which can be deeply painful at times, is a constant reminder of the love we share. Please don't misunderstand me, I would never want someone to KNOW what it is like but I would LOVE for the empathy that was there in the first year to continue with love, understanding and an open un-judging heart for the lifetime that I live without him.

I know we all love and miss Matt, I mean, how can we not! He was an amazing man that touched many. But I guess this long winded, selfish post is a hope that those who love me can see a little better that this is a grief I live with and will live with the rest of my life. My life is getting better! I am able to plan for the future, something I couldn't even spit out a year ago. But it will always be hard. I will always be a widow regardless of where my life takes me. And though 'widow' won't forever be the way I define myself; for now it is the only word that can describe the vast confusion, change and secondary losses that have been going on in my life.

So as I quickly approach my 29th birthday, all I can think about is 'They were the best of times and the worse of times.'

Suffering

2011-03-03T20:29:00.000-08:00

When I first lost Matt I thought (and felt) like my heart was going to break out of my chest. That never happened... I miraculously woke up everyday and continued to live, if I wanted to our not.

My Mother has always taught me to fight and be tenuous, and at times the fighter in me is the only thing that kept me going. I guess that is where back country skiing has reminded me of widowhood. Coincidentally my mother also taught me to ski.

In sports there is suffering and the joy of that suffering, (in a sense, as much 'joy' as sucking oxygen through a straw). But the joy of being able to do it, to be there, you and the mountain.

I think in a broader spectrum widowhood is like this, at least it has been for me. At times I have felt so stuck, where 'I can't get enough oxygen' and I forget to stop... breathe, and realize that I have come so far. I might not be on top... but LOOK at how far I have come.

No I am not at the top of the mountain yet... but I am slowly getting the taste of the descents, the true joy back in my life. I also KNOW that I will get to the top of my mountain, and it will be one hell of a ski down.

Back Country Adventure 1 : Butler Gulch (2011)

2011-01-17T23:46:00.001-08:00

Briee heading up Butler Gulch Trail... hmmm it seems to be getting dark, perhaps we started a bit late...
This is as far as I can climb, and I can't climb any further!
Last car in the lot, glad we decided to take the safe way down and save the exploring for another day.
And then the snow started to really come down.

Trauma and Knitting

2011-01-09T14:28:00.000-08:00

I started to knit what seems like many moons ago. Matt was desperately trying to get me to enjoy back country skiing and snowshoeing. I have always seemed to do better in a support role, the food person, the person waiting in the car with the supplies. So when I was done with grad school, Matt really wanted me to share more of his adventures. Having fibromyalgia and not having the years of experience that he did I would snowshoe/ski as far as my legs would allow, give my love a kiss, wish him a safe journey onwards up the mountain and that I would be waiting in the car. I tried reading the first few times but the inactivate was hard, so I decided to try knitting.
I almost enjoyed the knitting as much as my skiing dates with Matt, how blessed was I that we could spend time together but were more than okay to go our own ways to make the day exactly what each of us wanted. After a season of skiing adventures I had finished my first blanket on September 10, 2008, two days before Matt's 40th birthday. He loved our new blanket and all the adventures that were 'behind' the blanket. Later that month Matt went skiing and never came home. I haven't been able to knit since. I ski like crazy, I am a skier that he wouldn't recognize, though he would be extremely proud. But I can't knit.
I have realized that that blanket was our story, and knitting was my way of creating it for the physical world.
I have been in survival mode for over two years. I am extremely blessed by the support that I have received but this has been the hardest journey of my life. No one tells you about the secondary losses that you will endure 1, 2 and 3 years out. Financially, Physically, Emotionally, and socially, the losses keep coming. Don't get me wrong, there is life, growth but there is also sizable losses that come after, years after.
I believe this is why I couldn't knit, knitting became symbolic of 'things going together', but in my new reality... things still don't go together. What hurts more is stitching things together just to have those 'seams' fail.
Who knows why I haven't been able to pick up my yarn and needles but I think that could be a few reasons. Maybe I will start 'knitting' other peoples blankets, and I will slowly see life being stitched together.

With the New Year...

2011-01-04T14:57:00.001-08:00

Bring on the snow...
The place where I feel the closest to Matt is on the Mountain...
This blog will start to make that transition from grief outlet, to adventure outlet touched with an angel's grace.
So bring on the snow, and the adventures... and don't forget... play safe out there.

Internal Dialog

2010-07-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

'What's wrong with me' I think to myself as I sit at Denver International Airport. I am there waiting to help a dear friend out that was flying back alone with her two sweet, young girls. I sit there and my heart is a-flutter... 'Why do I keep thinking that Matt could walk up those steps, you have known since he didn't come home that September night that you would never "see" him again.' I argue with myself why am I feeling this hopeful naive feeling that he could walk up those stairs at the airport. Maybe it is the couples and families that lovingly embrace each other, and of course I long for that, but this is something more. The movement of life is so fast here that my mind for multiple seconds, keeps going back to 'Matt is going to walk up those stairs'. Is it my heart or my mind that is playing this cruel trick?!? How is it that I have excepted his death but still have these thoughts that come across that are so real. 'Matt is going to walk up those steps, just wait, God, I feel insane, just act normal, put on your facade, not the place to break down Loni Sue.' I say to myself, continuing to be the strong character that has come to be expected of me.
After I help get my friend and her two little girls to their car, I start a long drive home, I keep asking and beating myself up...
'Why do you let these thoughts happen, you know he isn't coming home.' I lash myself.
As I pause to stop the internal beating, I wonder why the heart wants what the heart wants. All I want is that connection with the love of my life, that connection that is now pixelated through a veil of life and death. But I still want him, how could I not, he is my husband.
It is hard to explain these 'episodes' the intensity is like a panic attack, but I don't show it on the outside. My head is swimming I feel as if I am outside of my body. Maybe it is a panic attack, I seem to usually be able to snap myself out of it, through many years of Fibromyalgia I have learned to act and look normal, it tends to make others more comfortable to not know the pain I am in.
I ponder... what was the trigger... why did this happen... then I realize... grief happens when it wants to, where it wants to, it is just how we handle or use the fuel of our pain. But I with all my logic can't explain to myself or anyone else why I was really waiting and thinking 'Matt's going to walk up those steps."

Late Spring Powder Day!

2010-04-25T08:07:00.001-07:00

So my ankle is swollen and my face is sun and wind burned today...
But what a way to end the Downhill skiing season. Epic powder, great friend and a fun day! Thanks powder buddy Greg Uitto, I can't wait for Kristen to join us again next season!

Matters of the heart

2010-03-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

Once I crossed the one year mark, I didn't know what to expect. I was 'feeling' so much more than I had been, and in truth I was missing my old friend 'shock'. Don't get me wrong, I was aware from the moment that I came home from work and Matt wasn't home from skiing that he was dead, but matters of the heart don't work so smoothly. I will forever long for the relationship and the future that I shared with Matt.
What I wasn't prepared for was year two. I had this naive thought like most of the people around me that year two is 'easier', you are past the 'firsts', etc. etc. For me year two has been raw and brutal. The realness of the life that I have, is still devastating, most days I feel like I am starring at ruins and rubble from a bombing. For me I do not have the luxury of moving on with my life, I have lost nearly everything... My spouse, our condo, my job, the future we shared, and I am now distant from many of whom I was once close with. Don't read this as a negative, that is not what this is, I am merely laying out the cards I have been dealt.
I have been re-building myself daily for the past 19 months, and still I am truly lost, and I know that this economy is making many rediscover themselves and their lives. I wake up every morning and try to find my desire for life again, and every morning it is a struggle.
This is actually why I haven't been writing in my blog or journal or anywhere. My thought was that things are so real and raw that I will never forget them, so why should I write all this pain down? Then I was watching 'Who do you think you are?' last night on the TV. This story was about Matthew Broderick's family story. It was so interesting that his fathers side of the family came from so many struggles and so much tragedy but his father and him had no clue of their families struggles and journeys. This made me think, I need to write, not only for me, but hopefully someday, for my children and grandchildren. This is my life story, and it is raw and it is real... but it is part of what makes me who I am...

Teva Life Agent Submission

2010-03-07T11:16:00.001-08:00

Hi Everyone,
I know I haven't written for a while so much rolling in my head but when i try to write it turns into nonsense...
So I just haven't been writing. But I did prepare this video for a chance to plan a trip/adventure to Switzerland, where Matt's father was from.
I hope you enjoy it...
xoxo,
Loni

"Closure is for bank accounts, not for love accounts."-Dr. Robert A. Neimeyer

2010-01-12T11:09:00.000-08:00

It is so hard to believe that Matt has been gone for 15 months now. I still don't know where life is taking me and where I even want to go. I have been so 'focused' on the now for the past 15 months, the only way that I could honestly get through, but when ever I do look up, I am utterly and completely lost. So much growth has gone on, mostly around me but I know that I have grown as well. I just feel like I am lost in the corn field of everyones growth, and I am struggling to get enough light to grow myself. Of course I am going to grow more slowly, my life was completely shattered, I lost my partner in crime, the one that I could lean on. Matt was a mirror in a way, he reflected the beauty and love that I have for myself, but I had the reassurance that I was that because he saw it too and it reflected back to me through his eyes.
The first six months I was so worried about everyone else. Not wanting them to get hurt or upset or offended, I knew that everyone was sensitive, well I knew I was. But what had happened was that I was so worried and concerned about everyone else that I forgot that there is no one to take care of me anymore, besides me. That is the other amazing thing about having a spouse, is knowing that you can be weak, sick, hurt because you have that unconditional love of your partner, and you know that they will take care of you. In true love relationships you and your partner both stand first in line, together. Until you have kids then you are second in line together ;o)
When I started to put myself first again I struggled, I noticed friendships drifting away because I wasn't able to maintain them the way I once had. But it got to the point that my body, mind and heart needed me... 100% of me and my own love, though I still long for my 'mirror' to tell me that I am right, that I have every right to love myself the way I do.
I still have no clue where my career is taking me, or what I want from my life. I know what I had wanted with Matt, is not going to happen with anyone else at this time. At this point I am unwilling to journey that path with anyone else. My heart is wounded and I am struggling to redefine my life. A life that I have no idea what I want from it anymore...
It is hard for me, being such a goal oriented person. I look back at the last 10 years and I have accomplished so much... but the things I really wanted in the next 5 years are not going to happen... a wedding, a family, starting to grow old together...
How do you redefine your life plans that you thought were your foundation, the thing that was going to hold up through everything, that if all else broke, you still had each other.
Why is it that a spouses death and the loss of a child are the only two types of death that its expected to 'replace' the dead person. We are not expected to replace our mother, our sister, our father, or friends... but with a Spouse you are just suppose to 'fix' yourself by getting into another relationship?!? It seems to be a similar thing with the loss of a child.
So now that I have looked up from the Now for a while I am going to retreat back to the now, because I have no clue what the future will bring, and it is actually a little frightening from what I can see at this point.

Merry Xmas Matt!

2009-12-24T13:42:00.000-08:00

and Matt, from Matt. Well it is easier to understand who is talking to who now, in fact Matty and I aren't often in the same room anymore either, but I can't say that's for the best. Hope you're doing well friend. I had a bit of a Cheese-O flashback this fall when I went to MA, CT and RI for business and was warmly welcomed wherever I drove the 22' Moots sprinter van with a deep felt "fahk!" Like "get that fahkin' van outta my way" and "oh, what the fahk?!" Since Rose and I got tired of filling up Trout's swear jar (quarter a swear) every couple weeks we've fallen out of the habit almost entirely and without you around all those east coast "fahkers" were naught but a pleasant reminder of happier fahkin' days buddy. Rest easy.

Bittersweet

2009-12-23T12:56:00.000-08:00

Over the past year and three months I have learned so much. I have learned that I am stronger and more tenacious than what I or anyone else thought. I have learned that Matt very much lives on through me. I have moments of pure stoic genius, not a previous trait of mine, and I believe that that is one of the times Matt is guiding me. True love doesn't die, I continue to love Matt more and more everyday mostly because I know that our love continues to grow. Just one lifetime wasn't enough for us, so we continue to work through this veil and our love grows. I have learned that I know how and when to be lonely and that not all times that are spent alone are lonely, especially with four cats. I have learned to count my blessings because I have seen that being negative gets me no where, and it is best to just not think when you are feeling low.
I think the thing that doesn't stop amazing me is how all news is bittersweet now. For example I got an email confirming that I had completed my intern development hours and I can start studying and taking my exams. I was so excited, so proud of myself, so in awe... then crash, the realization that the only person I wanted to call to scream out loud and tell is Matt. I know that he was so looking forward to me getting ready for the exams so that he could hound me like I was hounding him about the exams. Every joy is bittersweet now, there is nothing that I don't experience that I don't see and feel the huge hole that is missing in it.
Life used to be 'there is joy in every sorrow' but now it seems like 'there is sorrow in every joy'.

New Traditions

2009-11-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

Starting new traditions is usually fun, and I have been trying to take that point of view on my second set of Holidays without Matt.
But that is the problem with traditions, is they are rooted in history... Though I would not change a thing about the time I was blessed to have with Matt, it does make the holidays very bittersweet most of the times.
I was decorating my storefront/pick up room for the Boulder Bakery & Barkery. I found some of the Christmas decorations that was easily found, since I recently moved. I was doing really great and even had a recollection of the joy I used to have decorating for the holidays. Then I came upon the ornaments that I (or Santa) bought for Matt and I on our last Christmas together. I bought him ornaments so that he could have his own ornaments that he could hang on the tree. I had the same ornaments so we had a set together. Matt was really coming around to the holidays, he warmed up to some of my traditions and though he approached the holidays like the Grinch, he was really touched that I was dragging him into the decorating.
So when I unwrapped the newspaper and saw that here were our ornaments that we packed together, the last time this box was opened life was so blessed, Matt was still here.
I fell on the floor, and cried, and cried and cried. I cried so hard that my heart started to hurt, physically ache, I thought it was going to fall out or disintegrate. I closed the box immediately, I was done decorating, maybe someday I can hang our ornaments or even unwrap them, but not this year.
For me, the second year of holidays is far more painful, and though I am very proud of myself and my life, I am devastated, I am hurt, and I am broken and that is okay...

Thanksgiving

2009-11-22T08:50:00.000-08:00

Sigh, how did the holidays come so quickly?!? For most of my life I have loved the holidays. Fond memories of holidays past with my amazing Mom as a child, the holidays spent snowboarding and coming home and having dinner with my kitty boys in my late teens and early twenties. Then, the holidays got really good, I got to spend them with Matt and his wonderful family and great friends.

Last year was too much, devastating, how could I be thankful during Thanksgiving of 2008, I had just lost almost everything,
Matt was gone, as was much of my future.

Now as Thanksgiving 2009 quickly approaches I realize that it is *a little* easier to count my blessings, but yet it is really difficult. I have lost many friends this year, not to death but to growth. I realize that it is far easier for most people to move on with their lives and dreams. But as one of my good widow friends shared with me on my last post... Matthieu died the first year, I have died in the second, people have forgotten about me.

Two good friends have invited me to Thanksgiving Lunch and Dinner. I am blessed with the handful of people who have not forgotten about me. I am still on the fence on if I want to share my day with others. As awful as this sounds, it is really really exhausting being happy for others. It is hard on the heart seeing others continue their lives together as a couple as a growing family, when that was robbed from me. This doesn't mean I am not thrilled for my friends that are blessed, I would never want anyone to have to walk in my shoes.

So I am slowly starting to count my blessings again, for family, for friends, for life...
But I am not sure I am ready to act joyful on the holidays with others, it is far easier to just be me and let my self feel the way I need to feel to get through the day...

"When my husband died, people kept telling me not to cry. People kept trying to help me to forget. But, I didn't wanna forget." -From the movie Bridge to Terabithia

Year Two

2009-11-11T21:17:00.000-08:00

Having dinner with a friend tonight I realized how easy it was for people to worry about me last year, especially those first few months. The support was overwhelming, everyone was concerned if I was eating well enough, if I was getting enough sleep, that I wasn't getting to much sleep, that I was getting enough exercise, enough fresh air, etc., etc. not including how many people were concerned that I wasn't seeking *professional help*, nor have I, I am thrilled that I haven't had the need to go talk to a *profession*. The amount of advice and concern that I got in the first 3 months of losing Matt was actually very traumatic (though I know this was not the intention). I felt that the sum total of acting that I did last year, could have landed me a roll in almost any movie. No one should have to act through their grief, but yet it is expected. If you don't act, people will smother you with the way that they are going through their grief, as if they have the answer to your grief.

What is really interesting is how forgotten I feel this year. This is not a call for pity, it is just that fact of the matter. People have moved on with their lives. They have gotten married, had their first baby, their second baby, had terrible breakups, lost other friends and loved ones; time doesn't stop and thank goodness for that. But last year I could barely breathe through the people, this year there are a handful of people who "check" on me.

But my life is still moving at only a fraction of what it once had. In so many ways things are so much harder this year than the past. The shock has warn off, the reality of what life is and is not is no longer faded or blurred. I am trying to start a business that is excessively expensive to start up, but I am terrified of the alternative, a job that makes me feel trapped uncreative and a drone. Baking has brought me so much peace, but how can I make this a functioning business?!? (I am working on it, but this is part of why my life is much harder than a year ago). Do I really want to give up on Architecture? But even if I wanted to go back the jobs in that field have become extinct!

My main support system, my best-friend and sister Briee is traveling around the world, which she has planned forever. But now I am *alone* for the first time since Matt passed. I also no longer have the comfort of our condo, the home we built together. One of the most traumatic things that I have had to do was leave our condo, our home.
I for the first time in my life, am left alone to pick up the pieces and try to put together a new life. Though this might sound exciting, it is not it is terrifying. I lost things that can never be there, our marriage, our baby, our life together and Matt.
It is not so simple for me to just pick up after a year of devastation and walk on to a new life that I didn't plan on living and act like I am loving it.

So I am curious, and maybe this is a rhetorical question, Is it just me but does it seem like everyone wants you *fixed* once the first anniversary of death passes? Or is it that life has swept everyone up?

2009-11-07T20:08:00.000-08:00

In an out of time - Maya Angelou

2009-11-07T12:25:00.001-08:00

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

Wow! I finished a book!

2009-11-05T13:19:00.000-08:00

To those of us who have lost a spouse, you know how big of a task it is to get through your first book... well it was for me... I had such a hard time reading anything, my focus completely shot. Things I once excelled at I now flounder doing. So getting through Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking in just over a week, shocked me and surprised me how easily I was reading again.
Maybe it is because I feel like Didion's novel wasn't trying to fix you, or tell you how to grieve. This was her journey, the way she went through it, good or bad. But she lets you experience the rawness, I felt like a kindred spirit with her so many times. From being the "cool customer" during the first few months. Doing everything that others expected, making face, doing what society tells you to, move on. The guilt, the sadness, the replaying in ones mind of what happened and the "what ifs" (the what ifs will bring you down hard). I think everyone should read Didion's book. For widow(er)s they might find a voice that hasn't been really spoken about grieving, not how to go through it, but of another's journey that lays out the cold hard facts of what it is like to be a widow(er). To all that have been blessed enough to have not lost a spouse, I believe this book gives insight where other grieving books do not. We the grievers don't want to be fixed, to be fixed means to have never experienced the love that Matt and I shared. I will be forever broken in my own way and I am okay with that. It is a scar I must learn to live with.
I would like to share one of the last passages in her book with you.
"I realize as I write this that I do not want to finish this account. Nor did I want to finish the year. The craziness is receding but no clarity is taking its place. I look for resolution and find none. I did not want to finish the year because I know that as the days pass, as January becomes February and February becomes summer, certain things will happen. My image of John at the instant of his death will become less immediate, less raw. It will become something that happened in another year. My sense of John himself, John alive, will become more remote, even 'mudgy', softened, transmuted into whatever best serves my life without him."

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." C. S. Lewis

2009-10-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

My amazing friend Julie Dye got me the book "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion.
I have struggled to do so many things that once where easy to me. To write, to read, to do anything that required concentration has been nearly impossible. I push through, years of physical disabilities has trained me to push hard and long to get to whatever goal I have. What are my goals now?!? That is something still lost in the fog, but I feel as if I need something, to know that I will make it through and get back on my feet.
Anyway, I got side tracked.
I have read half of the book in 2 days, this is something I haven't been able to do. This book, and Didion's journey hit such a cord with me. On one hand I feel so blessed to have never had to have had hospital time with Matt. Matt died where he loved where he was at peace with himself and life. But the sense of responsibilities that she has, she pushes through the grief of losing her husband suddenly because her daughter is deathly ill. The way she methodically gathered her husband paperwork, stood in line, etc., etc. Was similar to when Matt didn't come home, I need to pick clothes for him to change in, gather a search party, call the RMNP and start that god awful process. Even when they told me I was the same "cool customer" that Didion was. When Didion breaks down and when I tend to break down is not in the eyes of anyone besides ourselves. Educate read, what are the steps, what is the next step....
So why am I writing this, I don't know, felt like writing, want all my widow(er)s out there to go grab this book.
But also that Didion addresses the inability for Western cultures to deal with death. After the 1930's death hasn't been something that people have to deal with, and that has changed culture. Treating death and grief like a disease, instead of something that is the continuation of what life is all about. Every moment we all get closer to death, as soon as that new born baby takes a breath it is one step closer to death. So many fear death and miss life.
So I am trying to live each day from a place of hope that doesn't dwell on the fear.
But that is so hard when as C.S. Lewis said it best "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."

ne me quitte pas regina spektor

2009-10-26T00:21:00.000-07:00

ne me quitte pas, mon chéri

The Call - Regina Spektor

2009-10-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

Some great pictures from our good friend MOA

2009-10-15T19:37:00.000-07:00

I just wanted share them with you all! XOXO

http://beerdrinkingrobot.blogspot.com/2009/10/fahk-be-seeing-you-friend.html

Something uplifting... instead of somber...

2009-10-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

I know that I have been have a lot of low days... but I think that it is because I was so driven during the first year. And though I had given myself time to grieve, it was often privately. I know that the last month and half I have had most of my low days, my sad days... But that is because life is changing yet again on me, and I honestly got tired of being strong, physically, emotional I couldn't hold up the facade. So here is a poem to turn the tides to positive thinking that everything WILL work out for me, because well, frankly, I need it too! So here is to positive juju, and prayers; love and hope for whatever the future brings near.

A Psalm of Life

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!-
For the soul is dead that slumbers
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not the goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than today.

Art is long , and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,-act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Time Machines...

2009-10-11T20:31:00.000-07:00

“We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams.” -Jeremy Irons

The last year I have been in a time machine of sorts, but my main focus has been the "Now". For this very second is the only thing I can control. Control is actually the problem. I have always had a path, goals, a plan. All ways for me to "control" the then, now and soon to be. The hardest thing about losing your significant other is losing your tomorrow, some say oh no, you haven't lost your tomorrow, but the truth is, that shared future, was the only future that anyone in a relationship thinks of when your spouse dies. One moment you are planning a wedding, a family, a future, the next you are planning a funeral. That shared future I was expecting change, things that were "not in the plan" but were going to happen, but the one constant was Matt, Me and our partnership. He was my partner in crime, if everything else went to shit, I would have him and he would have me and we had us. To lose that is beyond devastating.

I am now picking up the pieces (and doing a pretty good job) but I am terrified. I am having to make decisions like do I put the little money I have into getting the bakery really going? Or do I use that money to start working towards my licenser exams for my Architecture license. I know what I *Think* I need to do... is put that money into the bakery, there are no jobs in architecture and most likely won't be for at least another year. This is where I miss Matt, his input, his logic, his opinion... Am I crazy for wanting to start a bakery?!? Should I just suck it up and go be some freaking administrative assistant or accountant or cad monkey (if there were any jobs), stuck behind a computer wasting my life away for a paycheck... some how I think not. I love the creativeness that I have found in the bakery... it has kept me alive, seeing the joy that food brings to people. Food is nourishment, heart and soul.

But how am I going to do this on my own... My sister has been here for me, well she isn't a *blood* sister, but she is more of a sibling than I ever have had. Brianna moved in the night Matt didn't come home and has been here since then, she is one of the few that gets me, she misses her older brother (Matt) and never has passed judgement on my grief, and trust me folks she has seen the sides that I don't show, the sad depressed times... She is traveling the world (Matt is beaming with joy) India, Nepal, Australia and who knows where else. And when she is done it is anyones guess where she will want to land.
I am beaming with excitement for her but I am terrified, I have never been just me...
that is exciting and terrifying... She leaves on the 24th of this month...

October you are turning out to be just as emotionally hard as September, and then oh then... It's the holidays, SIGH!

I believe an Elephant is sitting on my chest...

2009-10-02T12:14:00.001-07:00

With September being such a heavy emotional month, I kind of forgot how devastating the beginning of October was for me last year.
I "found out" that Matt had passed away on the 1st, though he didn't come home from his ski on the morning of the 30th, so I sort of "knew" in my heart...
I had to be the victim at RMNP, and the reason I say victim is the way they treat the person that is the "main contact" is awful, the questions, the ignorant statements like "this is going to be a really hard day" (right after they told me they found Matt's body), the lack of privacy (who really wants to tell your Mother In-Law that her son has passed away when you are surrounded by people, they need to learn that they need to give some privacy). I won't even get started that RMNP was not happy that Matt's friends went to look for him, our friends left the trailhead at 4:30 am, the rangers didn't leave until 9 am when they were suppose to leave at 8 am. All I know is that if you are in a national park and hurt yourself in the afternoon, don't expect anyone to come and look for you until the next morning at 9 am...
I am shocked to feel like my grief is refreshed and I feel like I did those first few days after Matt died, lost, frightened, confused and broken. I have done so much but feel like the life I have to live is still missing something that always made it okay before... Matt

Matthieu Chesaux: Son, Brother, Friend, and Husband

2009-09-30T09:48:00.000-07:00

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Poem by E.E. Cummings

September 29, 2008

2009-09-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

The 29th was a Monday last year... Matt was unemployed (damn architecture) and I was getting up to go to work. I am addicted to plants and gardening so every morning I would get up early to water all the plants on the deck and in the big garden. That morning I looked at Matt half wake, half sleeping with our three kitty boys in bed with him, and I thought "wow, I am so blessed".
I got ready for work, and decided to ask Matt to water the plants so that I could spend that 30 minutes cuddling with him and the boys instead of watering the plants... He agreed to water the plants and I knew that I would always cherish that 30 min that we stopped and just let the world keep on going. I had no clue that this was going to be my last day with him... I should have called in sick to work, but then again... the should have's will drive you crazy...

Boycotting the rest of September... ie: forced vacation

2009-09-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

So after Matt's birthday, I have been trying to function like business as usual. It isn't working. Through my journey of grieving I have learned the anticipation is usually worse then the actual days. I wish that I could say the same thing about September, September has been far worse than I could even imagine. I feel like Matt has just left again, the pains of my heart are fresh and reopened. I am sure that is doesn't help that Matt's birthday is in the same month as his death, or that I lost our condo to foreclosure on the 9th of September, or that we got privately engaged on the 20th of that month after the McNail wedding where I caught the bouquet and the garter belt feel directly in between Matt's feet and we stayed up late planning our own wedding and even setting a date. September has positives and negatives, births and deaths, joy and pain, but this September is to much to stand.
With the rain trying to turn to snow today I am flooded with memories of September's past. My body is failing, my heart is breaking, and the universe and people are pushing change on me quickly. But for the next week and half I am pulling the breaks, I have done so much in the past month that I think I deserve some time for me, my heart, my head and my body.
The hardest thing for me right now is trying to start a business I love, with little energy and funds. As one friend says and I agree completely, that means that my little business will grow organically instead of forced. I have grown into an introvert, which makes it really hard to get your product out there. I just want to be in the kitchen cooking and creating. I am still frightened. I am redefine what I want from life, what do I want...
So I am going to listen to my guardian angel Matthieu, because I am pretty sure that he is telling me to go to bed, sleep and feel better.
So as Green Day sings so wonderfully... Wake me up when September Ends...

One of Matt's Favorite Songs, EVER

2009-09-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

Of course Clutch would come into concert on Sept. 30th! Should be a great concert... Matt wanted to see them live so bad...

Sonnet 25 - A heavy heart, Beloved, have I borne by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

2009-09-14T10:59:00.001-07:00

A heavy heart, Beloved, have I borne
From year to year until I saw thy face,
And sorrow after sorrow took the place
Of all those natural joys as lightly worn
As the stringed pearls, each lifted in its turn
By a beating heart at dance-time. Hopes apace
Were changed to long despairs, till God's own grace
Could scarcely lift above the world forlorn
My heavy heart. Then thou didst bid me bring
And let it drop adown thy calmly great
Deep being! Fast it sinketh, as a thing
Which its own nature doth precipitate,
While thine doth close above it, mediating
Betwixt the stars and the unaccomplished fate.

Happy Birthday Matt!

2009-09-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."
-La Rochefoucauld

Another journey as a widow...

2009-09-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

Silly me to get my feelings hurt for being unfriended on one of the social networking sites, but I started to do research...
What have I done to make someone unfriend me?!? and the answer is... I have grieved openly the loss of the love of my life, Matthieu Chesaux. With the year anniversary, Matt's birthday and the move out of our condo, a lot of new emotions have surfaced. Though I never thought that Matt was going to "come home" after he didn't come home that day after skiing, having to move out of our condo and into a new home and having to do ALL the tasks that were mine and his, just brings a freshness to the wounds, a reopening if you will. So I wonder... why would people judge me, or unfriend me (on a social networking site or in "real" life, both of which has happened since Matt has died) for my journey, for what I need to do for my own heart?!?
I think it comes down to that most people fear death. I know everyone wants me to "feel better" but life doesn't work that way. Here are two paragraphs that I found interesting from some grieving articles...
"Some people are so uncomfortable with the experience of death and grieving individuals that they avoid any mention of the loss. I remember when I returned to teach at Texas A&M in the fall after my husband died in July. Greg, like me, had been a professor in the English Department. The first day back, I walked into the mailroom where several colleagues were standing around flipping through their mail and chatting. All of these individuals had worked with Greg and with me for three years, and many had sent me notes when he died. Yet, when I walked into the mailroom, each person there quickly left, one after the other. No one spoke a word to me." -By Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D.
"When people avoid you because of your grief, it is the non-verbal equivalent of the idea that you shouldn’t feel bad, even though someone important to you has died. By avoiding you or not mentioning the death, the friend thinks they are helping you 'not feel bad.' The reality is that by not talking about the one thing that is in the forefront of your mind and heart, they cause more hurt than if they bring up the subject of the loss." -John W. James and Russell Friedman
To me, I feel like one of the lessons of life have been lost by this avoidance. We should tell the people we love that we love them and be there for them, in whatever way THEY need. Grief is an individual journey, each person is different, I have decided to grieve openly, for that is exactly the type of love that Matt and I shared.
So to those I have offended or made uncomfortable by my journey of grief, I apologize for making you uncomfortable, but I am not sorry for the way I have grieved, because this journey is mine and I am very proud of myself and I know my guardian angel Matthieu is as well, he loves my tenacious spirit and heart!

Getting settled...

2009-08-19T22:20:00.000-07:00

Shockingly, the (kitty) boys are thrilled with the new place, they are loving the three levels and the smaller outdoor deck and all the windows. They have been cat calling to the local cat ladies in the neighborhood, chai and citrus!
I am adjusting okay. Briee and I have spent a lot of time organizing and I must say we make a damn good team. I am going really miss her when she goes on her trip in the middle of October. She is truly the sister to me and one of my angels.
I want to thank Emily, Amber P. and Slava & Father, Brad and Friend, Bryan K., Amy S., Amy L., Trish W., Sara C., Jenn S. , Shelby K., Gerard, Mike, Michael & Fran, Tara B. Thank you for your physical labor on the move.
Thank you to all of my online widow and widowers and the support and love you give. The same goes for all my other friends that are not able to be close but have been my emotional pillars.
I am pooped, just wanted to give you all an update... I am still alive :o) Just very tired. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxox all my love

Let Yourself - Thanks for sharing Reyna!

2009-07-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

Let yourself
+++++++++++++++++++

Let yourself enjoy life, right now. Let yourself find
fulfillment in whatever you're doing.

Allow joy to flow easily and naturally through you. Let it
come, let it go, and let more arrive to take its place.

Transcend the difficulties by releasing your thoughts of how
difficult they are. Simply live your way through them,
moment by moment, growing and building value all the time.

Allow life's beauty and pleasure to envelop you. Hold no
guilt or worry about what should have been or what might be.

Let yourself think and act in the moment, unafraid and not
at all intimidated. Let yourself discover how astonishingly
effective you can be.

Don't put life off until later or think you can run away
from it. In this moment, and always, let yourself live.

Ralph Marston

Update on Things...

2009-07-22T17:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Friends and Family,
I wanted to give you all an update on things.
I will be moving out of Matt and my condo in August and September. Sadly, there really was no way for me to try to keep the condo. So I am looking to sign a lease in a live/work building in downtown Longmont. I am hoping that this will give me the opportunity that I have needed to really get Boulder Bakery & Barkery really going as a business. If I move in, I will have a "storefront" so people could come and purchase my goods. I am hoping that the Bakery will be doing well by October, so when Brianna leaves for her round the world trip that I won't need a roommate while she is gone (I am secretly hoping that when she is done traveling that she will desperately miss my food and company). That might be difficult, so if you know anyone who would be interested in renting a room in Longmont starting in mid October-ish, keep me in mind.
Some odd jobs that I am thinking of perusing while getting the bakery going full steam are taking care of plants and pets while people are on vacation, I am also a very good orchid sitter, for those of you who have orchids. Mommy's to be I have been thinking about extending my cooking skills to help Mom's with dinner's or any meals, for new mommy's or just tired mommy's. Thanks for keeping those in mind.
I am also going to increase the business of the bakery & barkery the more money the company makes the easier it is for me to afford to make it completely legit. If you know of any places that I could get exposure for the barkery or the bakery please let me know. I was thinking of a traditional bake sale...
I am going to sign the lease starting in the middle of August. I don't have to be out of the condo until the end of September so I will most likely be moving slowly into the new home, I will need help through out that time and I will also plan on 1 or 2 big moving days.
Thanks again for all your love, support and helping me through this really rocky year. I am starting to see how I am truly rebuilding my new life and I feel like Matt would be excessively proud of me.
I am shamelessly attaching my newest menu in hopes that you all will all order soon.
All my love, always,
Loni

I'll be thinking about you...

2009-07-16T16:32:00.000-07:00

Thinking About You - Norah Jones

Yesterday I saw the sun shinin',
And the leaves were fallin' down softly,
My cold hands needed a warm, warm touch,
And I was thinkin' about you.

Here I am lookin' for signs of leaving,
You hold my hand, but do you really need me?
I guess it's time for me to let you go,
And I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you.

When you sail across the ocean waters,
And you reach the other side safely,
Could you smile a little smile for me?
'cause I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you,
I'll be thinkin' about you.

Woods Quarry

2009-07-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

I think this might just be the perfect place for Matt's physical memorial...

My Personal Journey

2009-07-02T22:02:00.000-07:00

I have had many journeys in my life, some good some difficult. When I was 4 years old I almost died from an adenoidectomy, instead I got Fibromyalgia instead, out of the two I received the blessing of Fibromyalgia. Yes, I know it is funny call my Fibromyalgia a blessing, but it has done a lot for me, one of the greatest things that my Fibromyalgia has taught me is how to be tuned into my body. That ability has kept me sane the last 9 months, that and the stoicism and strength that Matt helped me grow into while we were blessed with our time together. Matt was one of my wonderful journeys; it was easy from step one, a blessed travel indeed.
My other previous relationships, not so much, I was cheated on by both of my high school boyfriends. Yes I know, high school, but my first relationship was for 3 years and then the second was about the same length. By the time I was 20 I had been in long-term relationships for 6 years... After my second high school sweetheart cheated on me, after we were stuck in a lease together, I was done with guys period, and I abstained from relations with men for 3 years, and I learned that most men make much better friends than boyfriends. Matt was different than any other guy, we had known and worked together for a 1 ½ years before we started our relationship, and I would do all this pain and suffering again for the time we had together. Matt changed my opinion about Men.
So with this piece of history in place, let me try to explain that on my journey as a widow, why it drives me nuts that people look at my age and assume that I need or want, or they need or want for me, another relationship with a man. First of all this is my journey, I need to do things in my time, this includes everything from relationships to our shared possessions. I am a very stabile and steady person, I don’t pick up and move from some place I have lived for 6 years and start fresh somewhere else, I am a creature of habit and my tenacity gets me through almost anything. And the one thing I dislike more than anything else right now is when people insist that I need another relationship to be “happy” again.
But the thing I can not expect anyone to understand besides my fellow widow(er)s is this… (nor would I want anyone to understand losing a spouse) “Every death is a loss. Every death causes sadness and grief in different people to different degrees. But, the death of a spouse is much different… for one basic reason. When you lose your spouse, you lose your future. You lose the person who was supposed to spend the rest of your life with you. You lose the person who was supposed to share in raising your children and be there for you when your mother or father or grandmother or best friend dies. When Drew died, I lost my future. I lost “our future.” We went from a family of five to a family of four when he took that last breath. Suddenly… the future loomed dark and empty… with all of the meaning removed. I had lost my lover, best friend, parenting partner… but most of all, my tomorrow.” – Sandi Amorello.
So what do we do when we lose our tomorrow, we have to slowly start to put it back together, rediscover not only our lives but also ourselves. And for me that comes with the knowledge that I need to be solitary for a while. For me dating is not even an option. I know other widows that have found joy in dating again, and I am so proud of them and happy for them, but for me I need to rediscover what I want, and I am in no place to be dealing with another person. “When people ask how I can possibly be happy alone, I ask them in return if they can be happy with someone if they couldn’t be happy alone. Are they in a relationship out of love, or out of need?” – L. Lee Scott.
So my question is really why do people need to see me coupled (now or in ten years)? “Our society seems just bound and determined to pair up all adults. The rest of the world doesn’t seem to see that there is nothing wrong, morally or psychologically or in any other way, about living alone. And that “alone” certainly doesn’t mean lonely, bitter or depressed.” – L. Lee Scott.
Is it that crazy to think that the one thing I might need is some time to figure my life out? Even when it is suggested the “someday” I will find someone new, it is revolting to me, not that I might fall in love again someday, but that for me to be “happy” again I need a man.
One reason I know for sure that I am not even close to considering dating. I was at a wedding earlier this spring and I was dancing with a young man to a upbeat rap song and enjoying myself until, he place one hand on my hip, I puked in my mouth a little. I have no desire for another man to touch me; this time in my life needs to be about me. Not what others want or expect from me, but what is best for me…
Here is one study about the average time that widow(er)s start to date and some other information that is pertinent. “Several studies indicate that widowers begin to date by around the sixth month. Women tend to wait until approximately the ninth month. However, these numbers are just an average. The range of time is much greater – some people never date again and others date by the third month. But time plays only one part in the decision of when to date. Studies also reveal that the degree of happiness in the relationship can affect how soon a person feels comfortable dating or falling in love again. A widowed partner who comes from a mutually satisfying relationship tends to take longer to find love. That person knows what it takes to sustain fulfillment and growth. The commitment to each other has taught the importance of recognizing needs and priorities—and the newly widowed doesn’t want to compromise.” – by LeslieBeth Wish, Ed.D, MSS
For me it is shocking that others would want another relationship for me, especially with my life in the air. This is my journey, and if I abstained from relationship from a bad break up for three years, well I guess I would just say I wouldn’t hold your breath to see me dating anytime soon. I again want to congratulate my widowed brothers and sisters that have opened their hearts again and found love on their journey, you all are inspiration, but that is not my path, not for now.
I guess this has been a long-winded approach asking for the support of my friends and my family to support me in my journey. I thank you for the support you have given already, and I thank you for your concern. I know that sometimes it might be hard to not put your expectations and concerns out there for my new life, and me, but this is ultimately my choice and my journey, and if I would like to do it alone for now or forever I would appreciate your support.
I will leave you with this final paragraph by L. Lee Scott, and please expect a similar answer from me if you ask me that question… “Everyone asks me, on an almost daily basis, “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” or “Is there anybody special yet?” My response is either no, or "Yes. I am somebody special." I am fairly sure I am not the ONLY woman in this position, single by choice and enjoying it. I don't date, and I'm not looking to. I don't want to. I love myself, I love my friends and my dogs (cats), and I love my life. I do what I want, when I want to, and don't have to give in to anything I don't want to do, or make constant compromises and excuses. (I can hear you -- you're saying, "she's a bitter woman who had a bad marriage! She hates men now!") I'm not bitter, nor do I hate men. Some of my best friends are men -- but I don't date them. I didn't have a bad marriage; I had a good marriage with an unfortunate end.”
Stepping off the soap box…

Thank Goodness for Sisters...

2009-06-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

Briee... All I can say is thank you for being my sister and always, always "getting it"... Love You!

"Stuck In The Middle With You"

(As recorded by Stealers Wheel)
J. EGAN
GERRY RAFFERTY

Well I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared in case I'll fall off my chair
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle with you

Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you
And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
Losing control yeah, I'm all over the place
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle with you.

Well you started off with nothing
And you're proud that you're a self-made man
And your friends they all come crawling
Slap you on the back and say
Please, please.

Try to make some sense of it all
But I can see it makes no sense at all
Is it cruel to go to sleep on the floor
Yeah I don't think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle with you.

And you started off with nothing
And you're proud that you're a self-made man
And your friends they all come crawling
Slap you on the back and say
Please, please.

Yeah I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared in case I'll fall off my chair
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle with you

Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you
Stuck in the middle with you
Here I am stuck in the middle with you.

A Bench for Matt

2009-06-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,
Talking with Dash today about creating a physical memorial in Boulder for Matt. Here is Boulder County's information on the bench...
MEMORIAL BENCHES – Information

The Memorial Bench Program provides an opportunity to honor, remember and pay tribute to loved ones. Memorial Benches also support our efforts to enhance Parks and Open Space properties while benefiting the entire community.

• Our typical process is to work with the individual or group requesting the bench to determine a location that meets their needs as well as the needs of our park visitors.

• Other options available:
• Donate to the POS Foundation; these funds may be used for items other than a bench.
• Donate to convert a bench already existing in one of our parks into a memorial bench and purchasing a plaque for that bench.
• Donate for an existing need from a list of pre-identified locations needing benches

• The final decision for memorial bench requests will be determined by a team of POS staff members who will review all requests. It may not be possible to fulfill every request for benches and at all preferred sites.

• The more information that can be shared with Parks and Open Space staff about the specific request the better.

• The cost of the bench is $500 which covers:
• The construction, installation and maintenance of one of our standard Parks & Open Space benches, please see the photograph on the County website.

• Optional plaque; the cost of and the responsibility for ordering to be borne by the requesting party:
• Must be a 3”x 5” cast bronze plaque with the hidden mount (drilled & tapped for four bolts on the back side)
• Manufactured by an outside vendor of their choice (we can suggest some) to our specifications
• Text limitations, min. ¼” text height and four lines of text.
• Plaque wording must be submitted to BCPOS for review to determine appropriateness
• We will install the plaque on the bench prior to installing the bench

• The timeframe between the initial request and the installation of the requested bench may vary greatly depending on the location and time of year. Please be careful to maintain reasonable expectations in this regard.

• We will make every effort to answer all questions and respond to any reasonable request in a timely manner.

• For additional information please visit our website at http://www.bouldercounty.org/ select Parks and Open Space at bottom of page, Donations & Support on left and then Memorial Benches.

Dash and Matty mentioned Heil Ranch for the bench. I believe where the little circle is.
Any other trails that make you guys think of Matt? Any hikes that are closer than 5.5 to 6 mile hike...
Would really, really love your ideas here!
XO,
Loni

I felt like Matt wrote this song for me...

2009-06-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

Snow Patrol - If There’s a Rocket Tie Me to It

Two weeks later like a surplus reprieve
I found a hair the length of yours on my sleeve,
I wound it round and round my finger so tight
It turned to purple and a pulse formed in sight,
And I knew the beat cause it marched your own beat
I still remember that from our chest to chest then feet to feet
The easy silence then was a sweet relief to this hush,
Of oven airplanes and of distant car points

A fire a fire, you can only take what you can carry,
A pulse, you’re pulse, it’s the only thing I can remember
I break, you don’t, I was always set to self-destruct, though
The fire, the fire, the cracks and the barks like primal music

I set I knew the beat cause it marched your own beat.
It’s become my engine my own source of heat
I see between us oh the amplifies the sound waves,
And every hum and echo in crash paints my cave

A fire a fire, you can only take what you can carry,
A pulse, you’re pulse, it’s the only thing I can remember
I break, you don’t, I was always set to self-destruct, though
The fire, the fire, the cracks and the barks like primal music
La la la la la, la la la la la
La la la la la, la la la la la
La la la la la, la la la la la
A fire a fire, you can only take what you can carry,
A pulse, you’re pulse, it’s the only thing I can remember
I break, you don’t, I was always set to self-destruct, though
The fire, the fire, the cracks and the barks like primal music

Tired...

2009-06-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

“I'm afraid to be alone, I'm afraid not to be alone. I'm afraid of what I am, what I'm not, what I might become, what I might never become. I don't want to stay at my job for the rest of my life, but I'm afraid to leave. And I'm just tired, you know? I'm just so tired of being afraid.” - Michelle Pfeiffer

“Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are beginning to find out that going to the mountain is going home; that wildness is necessity; that mountain parks and reservations are useful not only as fountains of timber and irrigating rivers, but as fountains of life.” - John Muir

“Such is the state of life, that none are happy but by the anticipation of change: the change itself is nothing; when we have made it, the next wish is to change again. The world is not yet exhausted; let me see something tomorrow which I never saw be” - Samuel Johnson

Thoughts Spinning in My Head

2009-06-09T20:40:00.001-07:00

So a little more than 8 months have passed. Time stands still but yet at the same time, my life is so different. A lot of things are worse, but the journey has given my gems, glimmers of hope that helps me see that their is something, some journey out there for me to finish. Beautiful friends that I would have never meet if it wasn't for this sad path. I have so many blessings, amazing family, amazing friends, and a guardian angel that hasn't left me since he left the physical world.

One of the hardest things since Matt has passed is that he was my mentor for all things outdoors. From hiking, skiing, climbing, cycling, etc. etc. He was also the best architectural mentor that I was blessed with, I don't say lightly, that he was the main reason that I finished grad school, he picked me up when I was down.

I got a crazy feeling on Saturday. After attending a close friends wedding and a close friends baby shower the weekend before, and going to another close friends baby shower that morning, I was feeling worn out.
I was also in a lower mood, because some local climbers were missing in China, then I read they found Jonny Copp's body...
the memories flowed back. I didn't know Jonny, but I am sad that I didn't know him or his companions on the mountain, Micah and Wade. I have no doubt that they are bright lights that were taken from us to soon, like Matt.

So I got on my road bike, my "le petite giant" as Matt called it, and I started to ride. I was feeling discouraged, every cyclist was passing me on Highway 36, this was not helping feel good about continuing the activities that Matt and I did together, but for some reason every time I was about to turn around I didn't. I decided to go up to park just a little up left hand canyon, Matt and I rode there last year, and I had to turn around at that point, my fibromyalgia was flared and I couldn't continue. But Saturday, I kept going and again I was being passed by every cyclist, something wouldn't let me turn around, I just had to get to Jamestown...

When the 3 mile sign came up, I thought surely I couldn't make the last three miles, but I still didn't turn around, something wouldn't let me. Then after climbing the last three miles to Jamestown going 4 miles an hour I got there. I was amazed at the ability that I found in myself.

What I realized that day is that sadly I am not the only widow that lost or will loss their significant other in a tragic accident like skiing, or climbing or mountaineering, or cycling or hiking. Or some illness like cancer, heart attacks, etc. Michelle Vice found this quote shortly after Matt had passed away... "We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life, by standing in the awe of death." - David Sarnoff

Being part of nature, makes us more vulnerable we are exposed to more than we are on a day to day basis. But being with nature is so rewarding that I can't imagine life without that, without the skiing, climbing, hiking and cycling, I understand what drives these young men to be with nature, it is completely cleansing.

Another thing I realized that day that I am doing amazing on this journey, I have happy times, I have sad times, I have good and bad times. But I am happy that I am going to take Matt's name, I am happy that I am trying to start a bakery... I might also be terrified, but I am proud of myself.

That day I was able to replace my mental suffering with physical suffering... for those few hours it was just me, le petite giant, nature and my guardian angels...
Such a blessed day...

"When I go biking, I repeat a mantra of the day's sensations: bright sun, blue sky, warm breeze, blue jay's call, ice melting and so on. This helps me transcend the traffic, ignore the clamorings of work, leave all the mind theaters behind and focus on nature instead. I still must abide by the rules of the road, of biking, of gravity. But I am mentally far away from civilization. The world is breaking someone else's heart." ~Diane Ackerman

Prayers for these local climbers...

2009-06-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,
Lets hope these guys come home safely...
http://www.adventurefilm.org/index.aspx
Prayers to the climbers and their families, safe returns...
Love,
Loni

Ramblings of a 27 year-old widow

2009-05-23T15:53:00.000-07:00

I have struggled to write lately, actually I have struggled to really write since Matt has passed. Partially I feel like it falls on deaf ears, partially it has to do with if and how much of this do I need to write down to remember. The last eight months have been interesting, I will give you that. I went from being on the path of the life that I was planning with my husband to be, but that was taken away. Matt was taken away from us all, but I lost not only Matt, the love of my life, but our relationship and our future. I am left with a bunch of pieces that don't fit together. I have no job, though I am trying to start a bakery/barkery, my reliable car the Subaru breaks down, luckily I have the VW Bug to get me around Boulder until the Subaru is fixed, which I am blessed to have friends like Joel and Michelle, who love me like family. I am blessed with an amazing family that loves and supports me no matter what; My Family, Matt's Family and our furry children (ie:the cats).

But though I am counting my many blessings, I am lost. I am completely humbled by my loss(es). I don't know what I want for the day let alone the future. I have never not known what I wanted. Terrified doesn't begin to explain it. I was raised to be strong and I have no doubt that I am strong, does that make it right that Matt died, because I can handle it, I don't think so, but I had no way of stopping him that morning. If I tried, would things be different, know one will ever know. He is gone and that will always be the worst day of my life. No-one knows the suffering I went through that night when he didn't come home, and I will forever have to deal with the knowledge that it wouldn't have matter, he was gone almost instantly. Yes he was doing something he loved, yes he lived everyday to it's fullest, does that make it right, Hell No! He was robbed of so many years and I was robbed of the life that we planned. I know that I look strong, but I can't tell you how weak and how I feel like my foundation is completely destroyed. This being said, I would do it again, the time I had with Matt changed me, helped me grow, and helped him grow, death was the only way Matt and I would part on this physical world. All this pain is worth ever second that we had together, I truly feel that we experienced unconditional love. That is a huge blessing and one of the few things that has gotten me this far.

Matt and I remind me of this scene from the Princess Bride:
"Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Buttercup: Well... you were dead.
Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: There will never be a need."

So on that closing note... I say to my Matthieu, I will never doubt again...
knowing that he is waiting for me someday...

Dust in the Wind - Kansas

2009-05-22T12:38:00.001-07:00

My Birthday...

2009-05-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

Birthday Blessings
Instead of counting candles,
Or tallying the years,
Contemplate your blessings,
As your birthday nears.
Consider special people
Who love you, and who care,
And others who’ve enriched your life
Just by being there.
Think about the memories
Passing years can never mar,
Experiences great and small
That have made you who you are.
Another year is a happy gift,
So cut your cake, and say,
"Instead of counting birthdays,
I count blessings every day!"
By Joanna Fuchs

Trying to count blessings...
Car almost got me home (18 miles away) before the timing belt went
Having the time that I have had in Matt and my home our condo
Beautiful Friends
My Amazing Family, My Mom, My Sister and the Chesaux's, Powell's and Bluteau's
My cats, who are my furry children
My health and the health of my loved ones

My Long Journey

2009-05-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

My Story...
I am not sure why I am writing this, besides the need to get some of these thoughts that have been rattling in my head for the last six months.

I have always been a driven person. I knew I wanted to go into Architecture since I was 16. Now 10 almost 11 years have passed and I have followed the steps that I had laid out for myself.

1. Undergraduate degree
2. Grad degree
3. Internship Complete
4. Architecture License

The only step that I haven't finished is taking my exams to become a licensed Architect.

One thing that I never put into the equation was finding the love of my life. Matt and I worked together for over a 1 1/2 before we started dating. At this point in my life I am wondering if he is one of the only reasons that my life path was in architecture.
I have met some of my closest friends through architecture, and I would never change the years that I spent in the field. But I am left with this question... "What do I want to do with my life?"

This question terrifies me. The thought of planning another life is liking kicking someone when they are down. I was suppose to be planning a wedding and then a family. Matt and I were planning on spending the rest of our lives together.

When Matt died, it was more than just losing half of myself. There was Matt, Me and Us. Those three things defined ever aspect of my life, my future, my past, my present. Now two of those three things are gone, the third one is weak. And as this journey continues I notice that people slip away, their grief and pain to much or to hard, or maybe our friendships just not as compatible with this new changed me, because I am never going to be the Loni I was before I met Matt, or the Loni I was when I was with Matt. I am forever changed. Mortality is not something I can forget about, something I can brush under the rug year after year, death is forever in my everyday moments.

As my long journey continues, I notice that the company has thinned. People are living again, and bless them for that. But do I feel forgotten, yes sometimes, yes I know when people see me it makes it that much more real that Matt is not with us.
But my world has stopped, and I don't know when it will start to spin again, start to make sense, and by the time I get there am I afraid that I am going to be surrounded by strangers.

So here I am on the brink of another birthday and though I am 26 going on 27, I feel like I am 26 going on 35. I feel so much older than my years.

I would do it all over again, all this pain, in a second, Matt gave me hope when my hope was lost, we experienced truly unconditional love, and all this pain is worth ever second...

Some Chesaux Photos, Old and New

2009-04-27T09:48:00.000-07:00

My Own Eyes...

2009-04-20T18:54:00.001-07:00

Happy Easter 5 years ago... Our first Easter together

2009-04-12T11:25:00.000-07:00

To Steamboat and back

2009-04-05T13:12:00.001-07:00

Steamboat is a place that Matt and traveled to many times. Mostly because we have two wonder families that we visit the Karch's and the Alford's.
It was a wonderful trip, but it amazes me how my ability to be away from "home" is so much harder than every before, for this homebody. I have three very easily stressed cats, they fear their other human might not return when the "ski pack" comes out of the closet. I am also amazed at how bitter-sweet memories are, I am anxious for them to be less pain and more joy, because that is what those trips were, nothing short of enlightenment, a growing experience every time. Growing individually and as a couple.
Thank you to the Karch's and the Alford's for your hospitality!
Much Love!!!

Beautiful song that makes me think of my love, Matt

2009-03-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

Dreaming of Hawaii...

2009-03-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

How can I explain our trip to Hawaii?
Perfect :o)
It was not romantic so you can push that thought out of your head, but Matt wasn't really a romantic.
We had a wonderful traveling companion, Warren!
The three of us explored as much of the island as possible and the boys were even nice enough to plan a day of waterfalls just for me.
I wouldn't change any part of the trip the experience, just like all experiences that I had with Matt helped me grow, learn and love. In Hawaii, more than any other time in my life, I enjoyed every single moment!
The thing that I will miss most about Matt is that he is my motivator, my mentor in life, he guided me and I still feel like he is, and I hope that never changes.

For You I Have Waited All These Years!

2009-03-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

"Feels Like Home"-CHANTAL KREVIAZUK

2009-03-13T22:56:00.000-07:00

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Ah, gotta love heavy music!

2009-03-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

Matt loved music, all types of music (not country), but heavy metal, death metal etc... was his favorite! Matt was allows looking for someone to go to a Pantera, System of a Down, Distrubed, Clutch, Tool, Papa Roach, etc... concerts with him. His good friend and coworkers, Greg J. and Greg U. went to many of shows with Matt. As well as Dr. Moon... good times, good times...
I can say that I braved a System of a Down concert with Matt, that was his 38th birthday present, boy did I have a head ache.
Matt was always impressed that I had been to more heavy metal concerts than he had by the time I was 20... hehehehe my first concert was at 14, I think it was some local heavy metal band... I don't remember though!
Matt I hope you enjoy the play list. I love and miss you!

It's all I have to Bring Today by Emily Dickinson

2009-03-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

It's all I have to bring today --
This, and my heart beside --
This, and my heart, and all the fields --
And all the meadows wide --
Be sure you count -- should I forget
Some one the sum could tell --
This, and my heart, and all the Bees
Which in the Clover dwell.

I miss you so much today, Matt!

2009-02-25T18:23:00.000-08:00

Artist: Beatles

Songs: All my Loving

Lyrics:
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you;
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.

I'll pretend That I'm kissing
the lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.

All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving, darling I'll be true.

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you;
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home every day,
And I'll send all my loving to you.

All my loving I will send to you.
All my loving, darling I'll be true.
All my loving, all my loving,
Oooh...
All my loving I will send to you.

The first card Matt ever made me!

2009-02-23T20:53:00.000-08:00

Another bump in the road...

2009-02-22T19:22:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to give you all an update if you haven't heard. I got laid off from my job on Friday. The field of Architecture has dried up and if the economist are right we are still not at the bottom. So please if everyone could keep there best wishes and prayers out there for me I would be very grateful. I haven't figured out what direction to take my life, but I am going to take this week off and take some time to take care of me, and hopefully when I come back I will have a clearer mind on where my life is taking me.
I am surely not the only one unemployed right now, we are in scary times. I am counting my blessings because I have so, so many blessing.
I hope that life is being kind to all of my loved ones!
Love,
Loni

Smile...

2009-02-18T11:15:00.000-08:00

Lyrics:
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

I had heard this song when I was a child.
I remember the first few days after Matt had passed away, that everyone was so surprised that I was smiling occasional and laughing also. This was one of the best things my Mom has taught me. Given the choice to laugh/smile or cry, especially when I am in front of other people, I pick laughter.
Crying has its place, and is one of the most healing things in my life right now. But in front of everyone else in my life I have to be strong, it is expected, so I smile and I laugh, even if it is just to put the people around me at ease.

Some songs that make me think of Matt, I never knew it was going to be this hard...

2009-02-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day...

2009-02-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

LOVE IS ENOUGH

Love is enough: though the world be a-waning,
And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining,
Though the skies be too dark for dim eyes to discover
The gold-cups and daisies fair blooming thereunder,
Though the hills be held shadows, and the sea a dark wonder,
And this day draw a veil over all deeds passed over,
Yet their hands shall not tremble, their feet shall not falter:
The void shall not weary, the fear shall not alter
These lips and these eyes of the loved and the lover.

William Morris

Alter Bridge - In Loving Memory

2009-02-11T11:30:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad He set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

Ooo's

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

Matt left many footprints on my heart...

2009-02-09T19:56:00.000-08:00

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." ~Flavia Weedn

“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.”-Tom Stoppard

2009-02-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

Skiing/Snowboarding Many Moons Ago

2009-02-05T20:45:00.000-08:00

My star...

2009-02-02T18:11:00.001-08:00

Perhaps, they are not stars in the sky, but rather
openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know
they are happy.
-- Eskimo legend

Our First Wintery Date!

2009-02-01T17:23:00.000-08:00

Matt and my courtship was different we had worked together for almost two years when we started dating and we were seeing each other everyday at work. So normal dates, well come on I was dating Matt, didn't exist. Matt was also injured so I was spared from his usual test of girls. "So she says she can ski..." I remember Matt telling me about the last girlfriend he had before me, he scared her off when he went up back country skiing with her at Rabbit Ears Pass near Steamboat, because she said that she loved to back country telemark. He said that it was a very ackward drive back to Boulder.
So I was spared with Matt's separated shoulder our first dates were watching movies, and trying to stay under the "work's radar" before we new what a good thing we had. So when Matt started to get cabin fever we went snowshoeing on Easter Sunday of 2005, it was up at Brainard Lake and a lovely day it was.
So many wonderful memories I carry of my dear love Matthieu...

4 months today... I lost the love of my life...

2009-01-30T17:03:00.000-08:00

“Losing someone when you're young is the greatest pain anyone can face”-Amory Blaine.

2009-01-28T17:46:00.000-08:00

Dearest friends and family,
I hope no one takes offense to this but I found it very helpful to how I am feeling. I have just started my journey and it is going to be a long road. I took time for Matt and I to adjust as a couple and learn to live together. It is going to take a long time for me to regain balance and be able to understand this new foreign land. Thank you all for all of your love and continued support, I can't do this without all of your love.
All my love,
Loni

What Grieving People Want You To Know

Through my work and the privilege of listening to so many stories, I have come to wonder where people get their ideas about how another person is supposed to grieve.

Here's a test for you:

1. How long does it take to recover after someone you love has died?
2. When should a person begin to "get on with their lives?"
3. Do you think it's better to mention the deceased's name to the grieving person or to avoid mentioning the name so that you won't make that person cry?
4. Do you think it's a good idea to tell a grieving person how strong they are?

You can figure out the answers to these questions by understanding what grieving people want you to know about them.

1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me

2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.

4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

5. Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food.
(b) Offer to take my children to a movie or game so that I have some moments to myself. ***** or come play with my cats, Vinny P. really misses his rough house time with his Dad******
(c) Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine 5/14, his 9/12, our anniversary 2/25), or the anniversary of the death 9/30, and be sure and mention her name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(d) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say “no” at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up, then I really will be alone.

6. Try to understand that this is like I'm in a foreign country where I don't speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I'm not sure right now I could understand what it was saying. I'm lost and in a fog. I'm confused.

7. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don’t make it worse by telling me I’m not doing this right.

8. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here no matter what they were doing.
****** This one doesn't drive me crazy, I have always liked to keep an open ear to my loved ones and friends*******

9. Please don't tell me I can have other children or need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after, will always be someone different.

10. I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

©Virginia A. Simpson, Ph., CT, 2000

A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe

2009-01-27T15:15:00.000-08:00

A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

How do you help pets with their grief

2009-01-25T19:12:00.000-08:00

As crazy as it seems, the three cats that Matt and I have are very much our kitty children.
That being said, the cats miss him greatly. Especially little Vindicator. Mom just doesn't play the same way that Dad did.
So I open his closet doors so they can be with him, and I hope that this will help them heal. I am also sure that the cats see Matt (that is assuming that Matt visits us) more frequently and easier than I do.
So I am doing the best a cat Mom can, and helping my boys with the grief of losing their Dad.

Rough Day... Sigh...

2009-01-21T11:33:00.000-08:00

There are no words to describe that time actually doesn't heal anything. It does make it different, less stinging, not so fresh, but the pain is still there very, very fresh. Adjusting is painful, I feel like I am losing him more and more ever day. My heart aches for the comfort that I had with him. I feel like I have been left out in an open ocean and I am being circled by sharks, but yet I keep treading water. I continue to keep telling myself that not all is lost. But my life was wrapped around Matt; my personal life, my love life, my friendships, my work life, my financial life was all wrapped up in him. On the 30th of this month it will be 4 months. I feel abandoned, lost and my hope is dwindling. I continue to question WHY I went to grad school, was the degree really worth the amount of debit it has left me with?!?!?! How many more wonderful memories I would have had with Matt if I didn't spend those two years in school...
Life made sense when Matt was here. Sure I had grown up fast, but that was okay, if it meant that I was going to be with Matt. I have had many difficult times before, but that made sense, because I was the women that Matt wanted and needed. But what/why am I here dealing with this now, the logic is gone, it makes no sense. I can't keep the condo, I don't know if I will be able to afford to even live in Boulder. My life is falling to pieces.
How am going to feed/take care of my three cats? My fibromyalgia is acting up, I am constantly catching little viruses, constant migraines, how am I suppose to stay/get healthy? How am I going to keep my sanity...

My foundation is gone...
I feel so alone in this world.

East Portal with Briee

2009-01-17T22:44:00.001-08:00

Beautiful Colorado Bluebird Day!
Briee hiked up and boarded down and I worked on my touring skills...

Matt still makes me laugh!

2009-01-14T11:32:00.000-08:00

So I was doing some estate work and I needed to get into one of Matt's online accounts. Luckily he left me all the information that I need to get in.
I almost fell out of my chair when I had to answer one of the security questions...

Question:
"What was your favorite activity in High School?"

Answer:
"Vandalism"

He still makes me laugh!

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

2009-01-12T08:29:00.000-08:00

Butterfly

2009-01-11T19:09:00.000-08:00

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed...
We feel lucky to have seen it.

Author Unknown

Somebody Misses their "Dad"

2009-01-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

"Wash out this tired notion. That the best is yet to come"

2009-01-07T11:42:00.000-08:00

Listening to Matt's iPod again today. Feeling even more overwhelmed than the past weeks, this week has been really bad, well it just hasn't really got any better since the holidays. The stress is getting to me and other people's joys, all though true blessings, are truly heart breaking and painful from the point of view of a widow. So long story short this song pops on the iPod. Matt truly lived for the moment and the day, I am not as strong of a person, but I guess that is why I feel like this song was him talking to me today. I really hope I hit the bottom soon, because even at this point the climb back up looks terrifying...

"Il n'est rien de réel que le rêve et l'amour"

2009-01-03T22:49:00.000-08:00

La Vie en Rose - Édith Piaf

"Quand il me prends dans les bras
Il me parle tout bas
Je vois la vie en ros"

Little Road Ride with Briee

2009-01-02T21:18:00.000-08:00

Daily Meditation - January 1st

2009-01-01T14:05:00.000-08:00

""... I put down these memorandums of my affections
In honor of tenderness,
In honor of all of those who have been
Conscripted into the the brotherhood
Of loss... - Edward Hirsch"

"When we are drawn into the brotherhood or sisterhood of loss, tenderness seems to be our natural state. We are so vulnerable. Everything brushes against the raw wound of our grief, reminding us of what we have lost, triggering memories - a tilt of the head, a laugh, a way of walking, a touch, a particular conversation. These images are like beads strung together on the necklace of loss. Tenderly, we turn them again and again. We cannotbear them. We cannot let them go.
Then, gradually, bit by bit, the binding thread of grief somehow transmutes, reconstitutes itself as a thread of treasured memories - a tilt of the head, a laugh, a way of walking, a touch, a particular conversation as gifts from the life we shared with the one we have lost, gifts that can never be taken away."

"May I honor - and trust - the processes of grief and of healing, knowing that, in time, a new day will come.""

Adieu 2008

2008-12-31T19:33:00.000-08:00

Matt,
We are about to enter a year without you. This is so bittersweet. Death seems to have been hanging heavily since you have left us.
So in that way it will be good to bring in the New Year, with new hopes and futures. But it is also bitter, the thought of living in a year that you will not experience, especially by my side, it breaks my heart. Adieu 2008.
Matthieu, mon amour, tu me manques, je t'aime.
Aimer,
Loni

A hui hou - Aloha au iaoe

2008-12-30T19:03:00.000-08:00

Missing Matt

2008-12-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

I was going through my email today, which is always a long, torturous process because I for whatever reason don't delete or file emails right away. So anyway as I was scrolling through the +300 emails I came upon an email for Matt's birthday party and also the first Presidential debate, which was the last time I saw Matt. It made me remember talking on the phone with Matt, the day of the debate, trying to figure out what food to bring. Such a simple memory of a conversation about nothing important just makes me remember how much a miss Matt. I remember how I would call Loni and sometimes she wasn't able to answer the phone so Matt would answer and we would talk and figure out plans for a hike or a road ride or whatever. We would always have to convince Loni that it wouldn't be that bad of a hike or that long of a bike ride. By the end she would be pretty pissed off at both of us and all we could do was laugh! It was always in good fun! I'm going to miss that, I'm going to miss having a big brother to tease me, to laugh with, and to look up to.

Matt, I wish you were here...

2008-12-27T17:05:00.000-08:00

It is so hard to have your main supporter gone. It is more than life changer, it is the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. My whole life is in the balance of hope and prayers, my real foundation left on September 30th. It so wonderful how many supporters I have, I am so thankful for all of you, I am truly blessed with amazing family and friends.

Having so many supporters can be difficult at times, through loving helping ways, I feel rushed through my grief. Grief is not something to be rushed, what works well for someone else might not work for you. Ultimately I am the best person to know how to move through my grief, grief is extremely personal.

I have always been the hermit in my own ways, Matt gave a wonderful balance to my life, he made me be social and loved me for who I am, which isn't an easy task. I am complicated, stubborn, difficult and I get my feelings hurt way to easily. But those are the negatives that I think go along with a whole bunch of positives.

So this being said, my dear loved ones, thank you for your patience and please have a bit more, for my love hasn't even been gone for three months. I know you all want me to be happy and it is really hard for you all to see me sad, but my life is not a happy one right now, even with all of the blessings I still have. My heart is broken and is going to take more than months and years to heal.

I thank you for your patience and I know it might be hard, but try to let me grieve in my own way and time. I thank you for being there when I need you. I love you all very much.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T15:12:00.000-08:00

I hope that you are all surrounded by family and loved ones today. I had a nice morning this morning skiing at Eldora with Briee, well she was snowboarding. I am happy to report that it went really well, and I am tuckered out. It was good to get on the Mountain, I felt so close to Matt, I just knew he was there with me.
Here are some photos.

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-24T06:30:00.001-08:00

Cheese-O teles Mt. Toll

2008-12-23T08:28:00.000-08:00

Smooth! Matt and I skied Toll July last year as part of my own attempt at skiing every month of the year. Of course he kicked steps almost the entire headwall and we were the first party to the summit and had the descent to ourselves. I had a fall lower down and went over some rocks and then we had a good mini-epic thrash thru the woods after we got off trail above Lake Mitchell...good times, good times!

Ski weekend... I tell you Matt tortured me

2008-12-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

Those are not my turns, Matt went out and skied the day after skiing with me...

Matt had an amazing eye for photography...
See you can see the suffering that he put me through... just awful! ;o)

So, these are too funny...

2008-12-22T20:17:00.000-08:00

Cookies

2008-12-21T20:18:00.000-08:00

I love to bake, I love to cook, Matt always accused me of making him fat... if you ever knew Matt you know that is laughable to think that he was ever fat...
It is funny in undergrad and grad school I would get so stressed that I would suddenly NEED to make cookies, not because I wanted to eat them, but because I need the grounding that baking and cooking has always done for me. So it would be 3 am, with a school deadline the next day and yes, I would be making a cake, baking cookies.
So here is what I did today, the holidays must be stressing me out.
I baked Iced Pumpkin Cookies, Ginger Raison Snaps, Carrot Chocolate Chip Cookies and homemade dog biscuits for the four legged tail waggers...

The latest song...

2008-12-20T16:18:00.000-08:00

So two times today I have turned on the radio and "Feel like making love" by Bad Company has been on.
Matt and I would listen to Alice Coopers radio show some evenings. Matt would always laugh at me because I know all the words to the songs being played. He laughed at me when this song came on and I said "I love this song", then he said "Who sings it?"...
He chuckled at me that I had no clue who sang it but I knew all the lyrics, typical Loni...
So it made me think of him, and makes me think he might be thinking of me...

Silly Kitty Cats

2008-12-19T16:51:00.000-08:00

Gandalf the Amazing door climbing cat!

Vinny P. loved, LOVED Matt's stinky bike jersey....

Cat Cocoon compliments of Warren Lieu!

2008-12-18T21:59:00.001-08:00

Snowing!!!

2008-12-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

Matt Loved the Snow.....

Dragging my feet

2008-12-18T06:54:00.000-08:00

This morning after a rough day at work yesterday, I feel like a mother and a little girl at the same time.
I feel like the little girl saying "no I don't want to there is someone who was mean to me there"
and I feel like the mother saying "be the bigger person and let their insults roll of your back".
I guess that is the problem with being an adult, is regardless of how crazy, sad, messed up you are on the inside, you have to make face in front of people. Don't get me wrong, I really love my job, but extra stress right now is just not something I can deal with. So off I go into a world of stress and all I can do is pray that people be compassionate to me.
I really hate to say it but I wish people would honestly stop and think how they would feel losing there boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife after not even three months. Would you honestly be able to work as well as you did before? Would you have the same priorities and worries that you had before. I just wish people, before they jump down my throat would wear these shoes that I had no option of wearing. Does anyone honestly think that this is where I want to be in my life, heart broken and missing the one man that made my life make sense.
Off my soap box and to work.